So, I was taping up Penthouse centerfolds at playgrounds today (like you do) and I got a call from [an undisclosed source] that Sami Callahan had posted yet another melodramatic video on the YouTube, with menacing implications about the future of my personal health. Now, my health has been of even greater concern to me than usual of late, ever since I found out from [a raving lunatic] that the President wants to kill old people and appoint Joseph Mengele’s ghost as Surgeon General, so I naturally took these threats pretty seriously. But I needn’t have been so concerned. I brought up czwrestling.com and clicked play, and was treated to a vision of CZW’s most emo girly-boy (which is pretty bad for a company who has a wrestler named EMO) playing with a lighter in his bedroom and regaling us with stories of his schoolyard donnybrooks.
Sam, I feel that someone needs to step in here and make you aware that intimidating adults by bragging of your playground fighting prowess is a hard sell to the Average Joe on the street…and significantly less effective against people who “Bleed For A Living” (Buy the t-shirt!). I assume you wanted to make me feel threatened about our upcoming match, but if anything, your latest diatribe made me feel all the more confident that I really won’t even need to take my title belt out of my bag…because it’s going nowhere.
I’ve wrestled against some of the toughest men in the business…names like Zandig, Wifebeater, Necro Butcher, Nick Gage, MASADA, and Toby Klein spring to mind, among many others…and frankly, I’m just not too worried about a Hot Topic refugee such as yourself.
In fact…to give you a clearer picture of just how much respect I have for you, I’ve decided to defend my belt against you in a match type I’ve just dreamed up, that I think reflects exactly what caliber of an opponent I’m facing…So on September 12th, Sami Callahan will be challenging one Daniel Tiberius Havoc in the first ever “DEVIL WEARS PRADA DEATHMATCH,” for what I imagine will be the easiest title defense I’ve ever made. If you’re wondering what such a match entails, well…you’ll just have to wait and see. But I’ll have a crew of some of the meanest 7-year-olds the playground has ever seen watching the doors, in case you try to make a run for it.
See you there.
You may have noticed that this excerpt is, by and large, free of profanity. That’s because CZW management sternly reprimanded me for my previous write-up, claiming that some people were offended by my repeated use of colorful vocabulary. Apparently, it’s okay to promote things like hanging people from meat hooks and sticking syringes into peoples’ cheeks, but “cussing” (quoted verbatim) is over the line. Makes sense to me.