Well, CZW fans (not CZWfans, mind you…), I have good news and bad news. Mostly bad news, though. Come to think of it, even the good news is kind of subjective. Damn…
Well, here goes; Shortly after the last show, feeling somewhat slighted (I know, I’m a whiner. Shut up), I called up John Zandig to discuss the current situation of Maven Bentley trying to fuck everyone in the company over. Well, more specifically, ME, since I don’t really care about the misfortunes of others. It’s not that I’m a bad person, it’s just…well…maybe. Anyway, last month I tried to go through Maven to get a fair shake around here, and what resulted was a ridiculous spectacle that involved Maven sending Greg Excellent(ce) out to distract me, while he sneaked Brain Damage in through the front door to catch me off guard. Thankfully, I’ve been a tremendously good person throughout my life, so karma was on my side, and I managed to get Greg sucker-punched by Damage, and got what was close to a fair contest with him. Nonetheless, I knew that I wasn’t likely to be that lucky again, and with the ever-present threat of Maven conspiring to kill me looming on the horizon, I bypassed the middleman and went straight to the boss. While John and I have had our issues in the past (for further clarification, see My Bad), we’ve pretty well worked through it (I had to mow his lawn for 6 months), and it was my sincere hope that John would recognize my plight and take some action on my behalf.
The good news is, I was correct. John said something to the effect of, “Well, the best way I can guarantee you a square deal without any Maven Bentley interference is to have you come down to the school tonight. And bring your gear.” Only, he said it with a lot more expletives. I guess Maven’s influence is too prevailant at the shows for John to keep a constant eye on him, so to combat this problem, he came up with an interesting solution…
When I arrived at the school, at [an undisclosed location] [da da dum], whom did I see but my old pal and drinking buddy, Drake Younger. After politely exchanging salutations and discussing how I was his protégé (unbeknownst even to me)*, we met with John, who proposed that—in the interest of fairness—Drake and I have a match right then and there. That way, there was no chance of Maven ruining it with his shenanigans. Drake agreed, being the decent midwestern fellow that he is, and furthermore agreed to put his belt on the line. Hell, he even drove me to Taco Bell later. Whattaguy.
Well…that’s pretty well the end of the good news (for me, anyway). I don’t want to spoil the match for you, but the gist of it is that things didn’t go entirely my way. What a tremendous surprise. I walked out with a rather troublesome neck injury as the result of…well, you’ll see. Bad news for me, but hey—at least I got a match, right? Nothing to complain about. I’ll just drink through the pain, and I’ll be right as rain. Wrong. See, my bad news doesn’t end there.
Last week I received a phone message from [a CZW lackey] that informed me that the PSAC is cracking down on the dangers of wrestling (remember the Necro Butcher fiasco?), and I would need to show up for a mandatory physical on [an undisclosed date] [da da da dum]. Alright, so that’s an unwanted hassle, but whatever. I went, thinking nothing of it (except for hoping that my steroid use wouldn’t be an issue), and got my physical. When the results came back and I was informed that the state of PA wouldn’t clear me to wrestle until JUNE because of an as-yet-unhealed neck injury, I was understandably PISSED. I don’t see how it’s any of the Keystone State's goddamned business whether or not I want to risk my health…but apparently they think it’s fine to tell me how to live my life. Bastards. Now, I can’t honestly say that I have any proof that Maven’s in any way involved in this, but my paranoid mindset leads me to believe that it’s a distinct possibility.
So…to sum up [I know I’m longwinded, and if you’ve made it this far, you have my thanks and congratulations!], I'm nursing a rather irritating neck injury, and now I'm apparently not even going to be able to compete in the May CZW show. Great. What a fucking week.
The other good news for you—the fans—is that if you stick around after the show on May 12, you will get to see an ULTRAVIOLENT UNDERGROUND REVIVAL match, featuring “The Psycho Shooter” himself, Drake Younger and “The Pride of Iowa,” Dannyboy Havoc. While I haven’t seen it myself, what I remember of it (through the concussion) was pretty damn violent, so I feel fairly confident in saying that it should be good wholesome fun for those of you who like that sort of thing. So hang out, drink some beer, and enjoy watching me get injured on the big screen at CZW: “Restore the Order.”
Finally--The one thing I will say to the few fans I have out there—You have my word, I will be back, and I will be ready on JUNE 9 for Tournament of Death 6, and I PROMISE that I will provide you fans with some SERIOUSLY SICK SHIT. And you know I wouldn’t lie. Because I’m from Iowa.
*That was a joke on Ed’O’Mac. And I hope it hurt his feelings.