"BOOK IT, DREW!" by Danny Havoc (CZWrestling.com Artlicle)

Hello CZW fans, this is the man whom recent polls have indicated as “probably not the next Nick Mondo,” Dan Havoc. It would seem that I have something to say, and—for an exciting change of pace—it actually pertains to wrestling. I know; I was shocked, too. I’ll try not to do it again. Scout’s honor. As an overly-violence-oriented young whippersnapper growing up hard and fast on the mean streets of Cylinder, Iowa (pop. 120), I used to get my fix of blood and guts from two things: Slaughtering pigs and Combat Zone Wrestling tapes. Why, I recall a great many days when I’d come in from a long, hard day of playing baseball with the ghosts in my cornfield and I’d want nothing more than to sit down with a cold beer, put my feet up on an engine block, get out my whittlin’ stick, and watch Lobo, Wifebeater, Zandig, and the rest of the E Street Band kill each other with light tubes and barbed wire and pinking shears. So inspired as I was by these iconic role models, I moved house to New Jersey, where I proceeded to join “the Dub,” in the hopes that I, too, could someday get thrown into pits of glass and thumbtacks. A lofty aspiration, sure; but I was determined, and the naivete of my youth only strengthened my resolve. So here it is, in the year of our lord (Odin) 2007, and I am an officially-recognized member of the CZW roster, and am I falling in barbed wire? Well, not often enough, I’ll tell you that. Far be it for me to disparage Combat Zone Wrestling (we have fans for that…), but I am not digging the lack of hardcore competition hereabouts. Last month, I came to the aid of Justice Pain against Adam Flash and BJ Whitmer, not because I wanted to, but rather, because I had nothing else to do…Drake Younger was in Germany applying for a National Socialist Party membership or something, and Vortekz was wrestling some dude whose name implied that he ought to be able to get me high backstage, but he didn’t…And that’s it? No Drake, no Vortekz, and I’m just out of opponents? I didn’t even get goddamn booked because there was no competition for me in the “ultraviolent” bracket, where I like to hang around. Sure, Whitmer was kind enough to throw me through a table, but that’s not my kind of match, and I sure as hell didn’t come to CZW to not die. Come on, Maven, you pratt; where’s the ultraviolent division that I came here to be a part of? This “Ultraviolent Talent Search” hasn’t yielded much, in my mind. Are you going to come up with anyone for me to injure or be injured by here soon, or should I move home and sell seed-corn with my old man?!? Let’s lay our cards on the table here…I can keep getting put in wrestling matches with big, studly guys in tiny pants, and I’ll try my best, but that’s not my scene, and nobody wants to see me there…least of all, ME. I know I’m a sub-par mat technician, and I make no attempt to hide it…I came here to fight people and hit them with things and stab them and throw them into sharpened household objects. Whether the fans like or hate me, that’s just a matter of preference…I make no effort to hide what I am, and that’s a deathmatch wrestler. As such, shouldn’t I be able to find something to do in Combat Goddamn Zone Wrestling?!? Where’s my ultraviolent division, Maven? I know you’re a manipulative prick, and I know you won’t do me any favors due to our rocky past (i.e.—you’re a twat), but what I’m fucking asking is for somebody to come in here and give me a goddamn fight! Shit, you and I want the same thing…somebody who’ll get down and dirty and hardcore and could potentially fuck me up…So find somebody, you bastard, or I’m going to steal every goddamned one of your bow ties! …I apologize…I get a bit worked up when I talk to Maven, even if it is via a publicly-broadcast typed computer message. What your old pal Danny is trying to say is; next month at CZW’s Easter Spectacular Supershow Extravaganza Deathfest (name subject to change), I had better see some competition in the hardcore division, or I’m just going to go home and watch Red Dwarf reruns instead…"