Perhaps I Ought To Seek Professional Help. My Posts Seem To Make Less and Less Sense...
Once again, star witness for the defense, Danny Havoc, has something to say… Is it pertinent to anything, you ask? Of course not… Don’t be silly. I just get bored sometimes while I’m sitting at home watching Big Japan and smoking grass (since the system is oppressing me, ever since I lost my job at Borders…), and I feel like I need to write something. Nobody reads it, but I don’t care, because I live in a fantasy world where I’m very important and well-liked, and no modicum of reality can seep in and ruin it for me… It’s like when I console myself by laughing at my own jokes… First and foremost; wrestling stuff.
It is my feeling that the much-hyped rising star duo of Team AnDrew are very much the “Coreys” of Combat Zone Wrestling. By “The Coreys,” I am of course referring to 80’s superteam Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, the teen bad boy heartthrobs which stole all of our hearts back in Reagan-era America. Two young studs, of the same name, who broke away from the pack to establish themselves as the foremost practicioners of their art in their age group—much like Team AnDrew. In spite of noted similarities between Andy Sumner and Steve Guttenberg, I think this is the more accurate 80’s analogy for the duo. I see Sumner as more of the Corey Feldman of the group—possessing a flashier star quality which appeals to the fans immediately, and allows him to be in big-time matches early in his career, much like Feldman in The Goonies or The Burbs. However, Drew Gulak is not to be underestimated in his Corey Haim role, as they were both clearly the “meat ‘n’ potatoes” of their respective pairings, and without them, their partners’ flashiness would lack the back-up substance to propel them all to stardom. Underrated, that little Jewish princess, Gulak. Love the kid. Love ‘im. The only major hole in my analogy is that, to my knowledge, Team AnDrew doesn’t have the fledgling drug problem that will one day ravage their careers. But I’m working on that…
Now, on to more important things;
What the fuck is Clive Owen up to? I mean, maybe I’m just naïve, but I really believed his “gruff, anti-Hollywood badass” persona…so much so that I would’ve claimed him as one of my favorite mainstream actors of the last several years…but my sources (my wife) inform me that he’s signed on to be the spokesman for “Lancome” skin products, purportedly the same “Lancome” which sells make-up and beauty products for women. I thought he was butch, goddamnit! What the hell happened?!? I’m quite upset at this disillusioning news…There is nothing at all rugged or manly about using skin care products, believe you me! Real men care nothing for cleansing, exfoliating, rejuvenating, or any of those other words I just read off of a face-wash container. Real men have horrible skin and are filthy, but it doesn’t show because of their permanent 5 o’clock shadow or Grizzly Adams-beard! Real men have layer upon layer of motor oil and dried blood and scar tissue all over their face! Real men have a piece of glass stuck in their palm that’s been there for 3 months and they can’t get it out and it goddamn hurts! That’s what REAL MEN do! They don’t massage gently into a lather and
then rinse! Do you think I’m ugly because I want to be?!? NO! I’m ugly because it’s MANLY! Clive Owen, you closet metrosexual BASTARD, you’ve disappointed the world. Sleep when you’re dead; indeed!
Speaking of Manliness: Chester A. Arthur = Best President EVER. Anyone who runs on a campaign platform constructed solely around the superiority of his muttonchops ought to be President of the Universe. Forever.
Why is it that Anna Nicole Smith’s funerary proceedings and related nonsense are on TV every day, and neither Mike Awesome or Bam Bam Bigelow (RIP x2) have made it onto the evening news? What the fuck did Anna Nicole do, besides get disgusting and fat and make me cry with regret over every time I thought about her while I was being inappropriately forward with myself as a youth? Awesome had some of the most fun matches I’ve ever seen with Tanaka, back when I was first getting into wrestling, and Bigelow was a fucking treasure-house of fun brawls for years; yet they get no recognition from the mainstream media, to my knowledge. That shows you how little respected our sport is, and how any attention-seeking whore with big tits can upstage us to an unfathomable degree, simply by posing nude and then letting her life fall apart in front of a TV camera. I’m glad she’s dead.
