Non Sequitorial Gibberish (Again)
I'VE BEEN UP FOR THREE DAYS
MY HEAD'S CLEARER THAN EVER
KiSS ME, HARDY...KISS MY DYING BROW...
I NEED TO KNOW HER LOVE FOR ME WAS TRUE...
This soliloquy may not be as explosive and action-packed as you’ve become accustomed to from writing/directing team Danny and Danny Havoc, but nonetheless, some sage words of wisdom need to be bestowed upon you(s) by yours truly, GOD!!!ifer (my cool new Hollywood couple nickname, derived from my name—GOD!!!—and my wife’s name—Meganifer).
I just got finished watching the hit indy thinkpiece of the year, “An Inconvenient Truth.” Or rather, I just finished watching a preview for it. And it must be said, Al Gore has never been funnier. But seriously, I really think that global warming is a serious problem that's going to cause a lot of trouble for the people of this planet in generations to come. Fortunately, they'll all be too busy fighting for their survival in the Thunderdome to worry about what the weather's like...
Dear Jewish people and overly-sensitive non-Jewish people; Mel Gibson is FUCKING SORRY, GET OVER IT. Seriously, like you’ve never gotten drunk and said something you later regretted. Fuck’s sakes. I mean, it’s not like he really hates the Jews…if they hadn’t killed Christ, he never would’ve made all the money off of that “Passion” movie. Besides, it’s not like we’re still holding that against you…
Happy Hanukkah (murderers).
Speaking of the holidays, I heard a FOX TV voiceover guy use the term "Christmukkah" the other day...this just about made me fucking sick. FOX needs to dedicate itself to one religion and stick with it, it can't just go around being open-minded to whatever comes along and hope that one of it's beliefs will turn out to be right. One day, FOX TV is going to die, and I want to know just who the hell it's going to pray to...?!? This kind of liberal open-mindedness is the sort of sideways unpatriotic thinking that would just love to let the evil middle Easterners (by which I obviously mean all of them) take over this god-dang AWESOME country of ours. I bet if FOX TV were in charge, we wouldn't even BE in Iraq, instituting all of the amazing reformational changes which we are in order to make them more like our ASS-KICKING country, AMERICA. FOX TV must like to have sex with men.
You know who I really fucking hate? Beethoven. High-and-mighty motherfucker. Deaf as a fucking slug, but he made some of the most extraordinarily beautiful music in the history of mankind. That’s just pretentious. All of us ordinary people out here, gifted with normal human abilities like sight, hearing, and smell, who can’t do fuck-all; and pompous cunts like Beethoven, who are supposed to be relegated to a sub-human existence of living in special group homes and never getting laid, and the prick goes out and transcends his limitations so exceedingly that he makes those of us who can hear look like lazy fucks for not having done anything with our god-given gifts. I hate anyone who beats the odds, jumps the hurdles, or takes the crappy hand that life’s dealt them and wins with it…and that goes for any paralympics athletes or that fucking murderball douche, too. Ray Charles? Twat. Stevie Wonder? Fucking stab him. Not only do these falsely-humble, holier-than-thou “inspirational tales of human achievement” feel the need to do things that they ought not to be doing (if man were meant to fly, he would’ve been given wings…if you were meant to walk to school, God wouldn’t have given you stumps for legs, Timmy…), but these so-called “extraordinary” people have to go so far beyond the parameters of normal human achievement that they will be remembered throughout history for their “incredible” achievements. FUCK YOU. Nobody should be allowed to overcome life’s obstacles to that degree. It’s just ludicrous, and it sounds like a bullshit Hallmark Movie of the Week plotline, not a real-life story of struggles and hardships. I want it to be on record; if I had a time machine, the very first fucking thing I’d do is go back in time and take a hammer to all of Ludwig van’s fingers so that they’d be useless, gnarled lumps of flesh that he couldn’t even use to cup his ears and indicate “What’s that? I’m deaf, you see” with. Then I’d go back a little further and headbutt his stupid bitch mom in her pregnant belly in hopes that his umbilical cord might become entagled around his neck and make him brain-dead, too. Fucking bastard.
