...A few months back, my 16-year old cousin Sam's friend Kyle asked me to act as an "expert witness" for a school project he was doing on the 'Risks and Rewards of Backyard Wrestling.' After some negotiations that led to him agreeing to be my eunich concubine, I consented to the project. Here, for no reason other than that it's saved on my computer and it vaguely resembles something wrestling-related, are my expertly witnessed observations on the subject...
"BACKYARD WRESTLING: AN INSIGHTFUL ESSAY"
Thoughtfully Composed By Danny Havoc
As a former backyard wrestler who is currently not-so-gainfully employed as a professional wrestler, I tend to consider myself an authority on the subject of the health risks and rewards of backyard wrestling as a youth. I also consider myself an authority on “Boy Meets World,” and I sincerely wish that I’d been asked to be a “local expert” on that subject. Corey and Topenga forever!
In terms of the physical health ramifications of backyard wrestling, the answer is pretty obvious. It doesn’t take years of experience to make the assessment that getting hit with fluorescent lighttubes and jumping off of roofs will not have a positive long-term physical impact on one’s body. Truthfully speaking, backyard wrestling is dangerous and stupid. I endorse it fully.
Backyarding tends to be especially damaging to the knees and back…I spent several years jumping out of rafters and landing moves improperly, and all I have to show for it is a fairly regular limp and back problems that I take a lot of painkillers for. So, clearly, ‘yarding (as the kids say) is not so much a good idea. Executing complicated maneuvers, which require precision timing and cooperation, with no proper training and a lack of safe equipment (i.e.—pads, ring) is not a wise choice.
Still, by and large, backyard wrestling isn’t too life-threatening. I can only think of a handful of instances that I’ve heard of when someone died backyarding. So, let’s not let a few rotten apples ruin the whole basket. Or whatever that saying is. And I guess I can think of a few kids who’ve broken their necks. But whatever. They probably deserved it. Anyway, as I was saying, it’s mostly harmless. Most people in the practice of backyarding never receive any life-threatening injuries. A few stitches and minor broken bones never hurt anybody.
So far, I might’ve cast some negative light on the hobby of backyard wrestling. My bad. But y’know, there’re a lot of potentially positive outcomes which can result from this activity. For example, I was a fat fatty before I took up wrestling. I could barely run up the stairs to my bedroom, and I never got any exercise which didn’t involve lifting a slice of pizza to my mouth. After a few years of backyarding (and a conveniently-timed growth spurt), I was in remarkably better shape and got along much better in the world (because people hate fatties). Backyarding can be an excellent source of much-needed exercise for social misfits who hate school-sponsored organized sports.
Also, backyarding can be psychologically beneficial. It can provide a source of pride, an interesting non-vandalism hobby for “unorthodox kids,” and it toughens up girly men like you wouldn’t believe (look at Kyle and his friends…why, just a year ago, they were mincy little fairies, and now they light each other on fire and headbutt glass into each other). As a high school student, I had almost no legal interests outside of backyard wrestling…it helped keep me creative and motivated, and it also gave me an excuse to beat the crap out of my friends in an appropriate and socially-acceptable way, so that I wouldn’t have to just walk up to them at school and punch them in the eye.
In conclusion, while backyard wrestling is a potentially dangerous and idiotic activity to get mixed up in, it can also be beneficial in terms of getting lazy, disinterested youths physical activity, and it also keeps kids out of gangs. Yeah, I said it; If not for backyard wrestling, the number of gang-affiliated youths would at least triple. More than likely, this would lead to a growing crisis across the land, which would eventually result in a robot apocalypse and mass cannibalism. Therefore, backyard wrestling SAVED HUMANITY. Thank it for me.