Heimlech Von Foreign
Brilliant Words From A Seriously Deranged German
(Originally by Clemens, retold and translated by Danny Havoc)
(…not that I speak German…translated from broken english, I mean…)
When I was a junior in High School, a guy named Clemens came to my town, as part of the Foreign Exchange program. He was from Stuttgart, Germany; and, although we, as culture-sensitive modern Americans, are led to believe that not all Germans are crazy Nazis…he totally was. Maybe not a Nazi, in the strictest sense, but pretty fucking crazy, and pretty fucking racist and hateful. He was a throwback to an earlier generation of Germans; the kind of guy you could really see committing an atrocity. He hated pretty much everything, and didn’t make any effort to fit in here in our country. Consequently, he was one of my best friends, and absolutely one of the funniest, strangest people I have ever known. My friends and I were pretty much the only people who’d put up with him, because we were all assholes, too. Anyway, he entertained the fuck out of me while he was here. When he went back to Germany at the end of the year, America became a somewhat safer and much sadder place to live. When he left, he gave me a notebook that he’d written in while in America. It was largely far too incoherent and much too racist to repeat to a [somewhat] larger audience like this, but I was thinking about Clemens the other day, and how he used to tell me how everything he laid eyes upon was the “worst thing I seen in zis country,” and I got all misty-eyed at the thought of it. Since this website isn’t really especially wrestling-oriented, and is more-or-less just an excuse for me to write nonsense that comes into my mind without being a faggot blogger, I decided to sift through his old notebook and lift some of the more humorous parts…at least, the ones that even approached being socially acceptable. Here, without further ado, are some random excerpts written by my favorite German not named Himmler.
Living in a big city changes you. At first, you give every beggar you see some coins, but later…
Yesterday, I saw a head rolling down the street with a tin cup in it’s teeth, demanding money. I told him to shut up. A few days earlier, I had seen half of a head on the sidewalk. This head should be happy to have his whole head left. Anyway, I told him to shut up and get a job, and kicked him away. It’s not like I hate all beggars, but why do they think other people should give them their hard-earned money when they’re still able, at least, to roll?
What I never understood about sports is, why do they always thank God for winning? What about blaming him for losing? “It was all good, until stupid Jesus made me fall over the ball and break my neck…” The thing I do like about sports, though, is that there is now a ‘Sports Illustrated: For Kids,’ which is simpler and easier to read, so that the athletes themselves can now, finally, read their own press.
The following is, by far, my favorite bit of Clemens’ nonsense. It was his proposed draft of a new immigration form, specifically for middle-Easterners, which he felt would greatly reduce the number of terrorists in this country. Personally, I think it’s brilliant.
ARAB/MUSLIM REGISTRATION FORM
First Name: *
1. Abdullah 2. Jihad 3. Mohammed 4.Omar 5. Saddam 6. Osama 7. Yassir
Last Name: *
1. Mohammed 2. Arafat 3.Bin Laden 4.Hussein 5. Saudi
Date of Birth: (DD/MM/YYYY)
Middle Eastern Country of Origin: 1. Afghanistan 2. Iraq 3.Iran 4. Queens, NY
Islamic Flavor: 1. Sunni 2. Shi’ite 3. Sufi 4. Kamikaze
Eye Color: 1. Dark Brown 2. Med. Brown 3. Light Brown 4.Albino
Mode of Arrival: 1. Airplane 2. Boat 3. Auto/Bus (via Canada) 4.Burro (via Mexico) 5. Scud Missile 6. International Subterranean Laser-Tunneling Terror Train
Purpose of Stay: 1. Study 2. Vacation 3. Business/Drive Taxi 4.Establish Al Qaeda sleeper cell 5. Kill blue-eyed babies and puppies
Are You In Any Way Involved In The Oil Business? (If yes, you may skip the rest)
Current Residence:
Do you deny being a terrorist? (If yes, do you have rock-solid proof that will stand up to a US military tribunal?)
Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Democratic party?
Have you ever grown a beard?
What is your preferred footwear? (Circle One) 1. Vibrum-soled workboot 2. Floorshein Executive Loafers 3. Goat-dung-encrusted Jerusalem Cruisers
Have you received post-graduate degrees or training in nuclear physics, bioengineering, or molecular genetics?
True/False: “The innocent have nothing to hide”
How often do you entertain negative thoughts about the USA? (Circle One)
1. Weekly 2. Daily 3. Hourly 4. Constantly
Are you allergic to whopping doses of sodium pentathol?
True/False: “Jesus was a middle Eastern descendant”
Are you smart enough to make things easier on yourself by cooperating with the US Gov. to identify no fewer than 10 of your close friends and/or relatives who are deserving of whithering scrutiny and/or indefinite detainment by the Dept. of Homeland Security?
Finally, please provide a comprehensive, itemized account of your activities for each day since your arrival in the USA:
Yes, I’d like to receive more information about Christian faith and tithing.
*If your first/last name is not one of these, you are neither an Arab or a Muslim, and lied to the US gov’t. You may be executed.
At one point, Clemens thanks some people for making his writings possible. Most are too inane and bizarre to transcribe, but these few managed to sneak through…
Michael Jackson, for paying $150,000 to a voodoo master in Africa for cursing Steven Spielberg.
[An old classmate] for changing his name on the radio to Bubbly Toiletfanny, so we wouldn’t recognize him. (Apparently he was convinced that [our classmate] was being mentioned on the radio, when, in fact, it was some sort of toilet-bowl cleanser commercial...?)
There was also a two-page essay on his solution to the percieved (by him) US problem of having too many “cardboxes,” by which I assume he meant carboard boxes. Some of it was very humorous, and his solution seemed to be placing them on golf courses for some reason, but I just couldn’t make sense out of enough of it to transcribe it here. I don’t think it was the language barrier…I think he’s just a fucked-up dude. Along with that, there was an hilarious paper he wrote for an English class about how changing the rule to allow kids to wear hats in school would lead to fewer roof-collapse fatalities, which was fucking awesome, but I can't find it. Anyway, it (obviously) has nothing whatsoever to do with professional wrestling, but--technically speaking--I don't have that much to do with actual wrestling, either, so...I just thought that this bizzarreity had to be preserved in some way. Clemens (aka Heimlech von Foreign, wealthy-but-evil European industrialist), I love you, man. And I promise not to renounce you when you hijack that nuclear plant your father works at and start WWIII. Because I'm a TRUE FRIEND.
