Finally; Purpose...
In life, it’s important to have goals. Without them, you’ll find yourself feeling lost and empty. You need to set realistic, reachable goals, so that you always have something to work toward. This creates a sense of purpose for the mindless, day-to-day routine. With that in mind, I’ve finally decided on my life’s goal: I’m going to turn the classic late '80s arcade game “BAD DUDES” into a feature-length film.
If you’re not familiar with “BAD DUDES,” you must be a douchebag. It’s the epic tale of two brothers (if not by blood, then at least brothers in “badness”) who are called upon by the US Government to save the President (“President Ronnie,” that is) from the evil Dragon Ninja, and his hordes of martial artist minions. That’s right, these two bandana-sporting street tuffs are the last hope that the inept American government has of saving the leader of the free world. The Secret Service, the CIA, the FBI, the entire US Armed Forces…none of them could stand against Dragon Ninja, and they knew it. So, in lieu of even trying to save the President by themselves, the Pentagon decided to call upon two of the baddest dudes your sorry ass will ever see, Striker and Blade, to reclaim Democracy from those scumfuck Asian bastards. Together, they battle their way through thousands of ninja, several Fire-breathing Russian strongmen, and the Dragon Ninja himself, to recapture Pres. Ronnie; and it’s not because they care about the government, either—hell no, they’d just as soon break their foot off in the asses of everyone in congress, and they would, too—they just did the whole thing for a kick, just to show everybody how goddamn bad they are. That’s the kind of quality storytelling that needs to make the transition to the big screen in the worst way. The tagline for the movie would be the same as that of the game, of course; “Rampant ninja-related crime these days. White House is NOT the exception!” Seriously, is that not fucking brilliant? It reads like a VCR instruction manual translated from Japanese. Awesome. As to the movie, the cast is the only thing that might prove difficult. Who possesses the necessary badness to portray these two heroes? Stallone and Chuck Norris? No, too geriatric. Jackie Chan and Vin Diesel? No, too ethnic. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck? Possibly…
In order to be done properly, it would have to be filmed as if it were a low-end 1980s street gang film, in the vein of “Tuff Turf” or even “The Warriors.” Our heroes, like in the game, would have to dress in matching tank tops, high-top sneakers, stylishly-tattered jeans, weight-lifting gloves, and red headbands. Also, as in the game, there would have to be a long, drawn-out fight scene atop a city bus, where ninja keep popping up from everywhere, and none of the people in the bus or around the town seem to notice (or perhaps they’re street smart, and know how “Bad” these “Dudes” are, and know not to get involved). Obviously, there would need to be a lot of power ballads, and at least one main character would need to carry an oversized boombox and spontaneously break into the “Robot” at some point.
This movie’s going to be fucking sweet…
